The Scarlet Letter

Did you ever read the book "The Scarlet Letter" in school? I did.  As part of our class we had to wear a scarlet letter for the duration of the time spent reading the book.  At the beginning of the spring semester in my junior year of high school we each were given a tiny square of paper no bigger than a 1x1 inch scrap.  We each were to write or secret sin on the scrap.  I distinctly remember having no secret sin.  No obvious sin.  I was that girl in high school who showed up to church every time youth had an event or really every time church had an event.  I didn't party.  I didn't drink. I hardly dated.  I went to church.  I studied.  I loved on my family.  I loved on my friends.  I didn't have a secret sin because I strived for perfection. 

I drew a smiley face on the slip of paper.  Then we were given a necklace made of black yarn and two red squares taped together.  We were to slide the slip of paper inside the red squares.  Then the next two months or so we wore those necklaces every time we were on school grounds.  We wore our scarlet letter.  Our secret sin.  The secret sin that I did not have.

I still don't have a secret sin.  I have a public sin.  Divorce.  But that is not really the subject of this post...

Tonight I fail at logging in to hulu on my computer.  The saved data that has been there for the past year somehow got erased.  My email address with my maiden name and current last name "Land" does not work.  There is no record of this email address on hulu.  So I sign and think of my current scarlet letter.  ARCHER

My married name continues to haunt me somehow.  I know immediately that my former email containing my married last name of "Archer" will let me log in to the website. That name.  Each time I type it I think of "The Scarlet Letter".  A women forced to wear her sin.  A woman forced to wear her past.  A woman forced to wear something that is not all her doing but equally another's. 

Archer.  The name that reminds me of my past but not my current state or anywhere near my future. 

*********

Sidenote: I must say I did like being an Archer.  Mostly because I was at the first of the alphabet. 

29

Dear ABC's the bachelor, 

I think you should pick me as the next bachelorette. Honestly, none of the girls on Juan Pablo's season are worthy of being the bachelorette. I am cute. Have been told I am sexy. I have a Kardashian booty. I have a masters degree and am working on my nursing degree. I have a southern accent and a sob story. What more do you need? See you at the mansion in the fall? 

XO

Mary Kendall Land

Ps I want my occupation to say: literate 

27

"Remember the e comes before the i in weird because 'we are weird'". -my mother 

I probably should have realized this was more than just a spelling lesson. 

We had a new teacher in class last week who had us participate in a get to know you game. She had us answer different questions so we could learn more about each other. One of the questions was "what would you tell your 10 year old self?". 

As cliche as it is I would tell my 10 year old self to just embrace being myself. It is ok to be weird. Weird is good. Weird makes you interesting not an outcast. Be yourself and love it. 

Also, don't date that Archer boy. 

26

May 22, 2013 

"I suffer from depression." 

Today 

I review the notes in phone looking for a new blog entry. I come across May 22 of last year and it only says that I suffer of depression. Today I am not feeling depressed but likely on May 22 I was feeling it all. Depression is crippling. It stops a "writer" from having any words. It shuts a person down completely. 

I've taken medication for my depression since 2009. I fear nothing more than getting off or changing my medication. I am not myself when my medication is changed slightly. The darkest days of my life involved changes made to my medication. Someone is really going to have to love me when I get pregnant because I won't be able to take my medication. God bless that poor soul that must endure those nine months with me. 

Depression is an illness. It is a disease. I remember when I first started getting really depressed. I remember my dad not understanding why I wouldn't just perk up. He has never suffered from depression. Real, diagnosable depression disorder. My mother understood though. I remember her telling him that it wasn't in my power to just perk up. It wasn't. It still isn't. 

25

But I have prayed for you that your faith my not fail....

Luke 22:32

How awesome is it to know that Jesus prays for us? It's one of those wow moments where I realize the love he has for us. So often I feel alone. I feel like I need someone praying for me but for whatever reason I don't reach out to anyone asking them to pray for me. How wonderful to know that there is someone praying for me? (And I'm not talking about my mother whom I know is continually praying for me!). I'm talking about Jesus who knows even better than me what I need prayer for at each moment. 

24

The prayer bathroom. 

"I think single stall bathrooms are a gift from God" -a very close friend

 I've have had two "big girl" jobs and most recently a part time job. I hated and loved these very different jobs. There is one thing they have all shared though. A single stall restroom. 

I am a woman and with that comes a certain amount of emotion. I cry on my bad days and I cry on my good days. I also cry on my days in between days. If there is a woman out there that can't relate then I would like to meet you. You are a modern marvel. 

When I started nursing school I was a basket of emotions. As if starting over after being out of school for several years isn't enough, I had a few other things on my plate like buying a house and getting a divorce. So when I found a single stall restroom down the hall from my nursing classes I was elated. A place to cry! A place to go with a lock on the door!

I had a single stall restroom at my first job  out of college. I worked at a law school and while it was a good job I didn't really connect with my coworkers. I'm fairly sure the single stall restroom hidden deep in the school's basement saved me more than a few times. I had a similar hideout at my next job. A sanctuary. A place to be alone with my thoughts an emotions. A place to cry. A place to write notes in my phone. 

I had the most wonderful evening with a very dear friend tonight. She told me about her "prayer bathroom".  A place she could go at work to pray and cry and journal. Sound familiar to any of you? It sure does to me. 

Even now at my part time job I need to escape sometimes. I love this job with all my heart and love my coworkers too. But still I need an escape. So I lock myself in the Heaven sent single stall bathroom and cry and write and decompress. 

Earlier today my therapist suggested I start making lists of gratitude. Things to be thankful for each day. Today, I am thankful for single stall bathrooms to cry in. I am thankful for single stall restrooms sent from God! 

23

Liz Lemon seeks Ron Swanson. Must love dogs and accept them as family members. I prefer to be called Lady Mary, at least until I get to know you. 

I see nothing wrong with this as a profile for a dating website. A friend told me it screams "cat lady".

I just don't think my humor was meant for the internet. To know me (and actually meet me in person) is to love me. 

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I truly believe that God created us to have relationships. As a good friend pointed out to me not too long ago, look at the Trinity. It's the best example we have of our need for relationships. 

The struggle I have is seeking relationships outside of romantic ones. I've had the closest kind of earthly relationship in my marriage. Having already experienced that relationship and now living without it, I feel a new and deeper kind of loneliness than ever. In my former pre marriage single life I had never experienced the closeness of when God joins two together. I couldn't miss what I had not experienced. But now...

Now I know what it's like to have the most intimate relationship humanly possible. And I miss it. I long for that connection that came with my marriage. While I probably have more close friends and connections than ever before none are like what I had. So I pray that my friendships be strengthened. I pray that The Lord will be my all and provide another husband one day.

In the mean time I try to appreciate what I have now. As for internet dating... I'm just not sure it can handle me right now. Maybe one day.