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I was packing and he was there.  He was helping me.  John George and I were getting married in a matter of weeks.  The top of my closet was filled with books.  I love books.  Books take me away to a place I would rather be.  There in the mist of CS Lewis and JK Rowling was my journal.  It was tan with cross-stitched flowers.  Lauren (my high school and college best friend) had given it to me for my twenty-first birthday.  In the front was an inscription about filling the pages with my adventures.  The pages had been filled, but not with adventures.  They were filled with sorrow from my break up with him, Mr. Valentine’s Day first kiss.

I held the journal up.  There was a trash bag in John George’s hands and a box of things to keep next to him.  I shrugged.  I remember it like I did I five minutes ago. I casually flipped through the journal.  I didn’t even stop long enough to read a single word of the tears and pain that were written in that book.  I tossed it in the black trash bag in my fiancé’s hands.  “Glad to be done with that. Glad to never feel that pain again.”

We packed my boxes and hugged and kissed.  Not passionately though.  Just routinely, the way some couples do out of habit.  All the while with the journal in the back of my mind.  The passion and tears that were in that book.

John George and I were perfect for each other.  If I grew up with a silver spoon in my mouth then he grew up with an entire silver place setting in his.  His family actually had a silver service set that was buried during the Civil War to hide it from the Yankees.  The epitome of the old south.  Every thing my heart had ever desired. 

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When I was younger I dreamed of being fancy.  I dreamed of being from an old southern family with class and money.  I dreamed of growing up to have a husband, three kids, a dog, a perfect house on the perfect street and absolutely no problems.  In fact, when I was young and dreaming I never even knew that problems existed.  That is how idealistic my childhood was.  A guy I dated once told me that my family was too normal and too close to the American dream.  I honestly had no idea what it meant to have troubles. And this was at age 24.

I don’t think I knew anyone who didn’t go to college until I was 22.  That is one year after I finished my undergraduate work.  I went to a private school my entire life.  I truly did not realize there was an option of not going to college.  I lived in a bubble safely protected from the real world.

I’m the kind of girl that strangers stop on the street to let her know she is beautiful.  I don’t say this to say I am any better than anyone else.  It is just something that happens to me. Maybe this happens to everyone.  It’s my hair.  Auburn curls; the red from my namesake (my grandmother Mary) and the curls from my mother.  The only other things I got from my mother are my hips and my lack of coordination.

I never did anything wrong my entire life.  My family moved three hours south to Meridian, Mississippi when I was in the tenth grade.  My father, a headmaster, had a new job at a new school.  It was at a school outside of the delta.  It was a school outside of segregation…at least as far as I was concerned.  There was one African American student at my new school.  I remember going to a football game with friends and riding to the game with him, the black student. I wouldn’t sit in the back seat of the car with him because I thought it was wrong.  A fifteen year old in modern day thought it was wrong to sit in the back seat of a car with an African American male.  Yes. I am ashamed.

I lost friends in college because I was what the infamous they call a tee-totaler.  I did not drink before I turned twenty-one.  It was illegal.  And heaven forbid I do something illegal or wrong or against my parents’ wishes.

My first kiss came at the age of twenty-two.  I was a second semester graduate student and it was Valentine’s day of 2008.  I was instantly in love.  I thought that God had saved me from heartache for one special man.  I was wrong.

He broke my heart.  After a year and a half of good and bad he broke my heart.  He said he never wanted to marry me.  I resisted.  I quit.  I moved home to my parents.  I stopped eating.  I barely continued.  My parents did probably the best thing they have ever done for me.  They kicked me out.  “We will pay for you to move.  Just get out and find a job.”  

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Twenty eight year old single female who owns her own home, has an undergrad in art, master of business and is working on her nursing degree.  Works part time at a doctor’s office, lives off of savings and somehow manages to pay her bills on time.  Yesterday was told she is amazing and has her life together.

Life is not what it seems.  Life is not what you plan.

I grew up in the Mississippi delta, also known as the most southern place on earth.  I grew up with dreams of silver spoons and country clubs.  I attended cotillion (every year possible) and perfected my manors.  I loved Jesus and the Republican Party, although I never knew why.  I just did what was expected. Then….then I grew up.

Welcome 2014

I've decided to make "avant garde" as my 2014 theme. Not only is it one of my favorite challenges on Project Runway, I love the synonyms for this word.

I feel like I've begun pushing myself outside of my comfort zone in 2013 and want to continue this avant garde way of living and thinking into this new year.  

I have also made a list of goals (resolutions) for 2014.  Hopefully I can stick with this list.

1. Keep at least at 3.0 gpa.  Sounds simple but grades are just not a priority for me this time around.
2. I have a hard time just sitting still- I would like to go to the reservoir (or somewhere similar) and just sit with Sally. Even if I only do this once it would be progress.
3. Get up early at least one day a week for some me/God time. Also I won't be rushed and my day will hopefully be better because of this.
4. Join a bible study-possibly rejoin my Redeemer group or check out the single girl's group at Fondren Church that a classmate invited me to join.
5. Be more intentional with dating and what I expect from my dating life. Yikes...this might be the toughest goal.
6. Go on at least three really good dates with a man or men that are worthy of me.
7. Paint my house shutters, my bathroom and the guest room (trim included in this room).
8. Have a dinner party at my house that would make Martha Stewart proud.
9. Plant a vegetable garden on the side of my house.  Nothing big, maybe just squash or something simple for my first time gardening.  The worst part of this is going to be digging out all the weeds in this area of my yard.
10. When I come to anything with my former married name on it, I will change it immediately. Procrastination leads to that name still hanging around after a year.
11. The obligatory lose weigh resolution.  I'd like to get to my graduated school weight which is about 15 pounds lighter than I am now. Maybe I'll start wearing pants again if I can shed a few pounds. 

As for the blog in 2014, I will be doing something a little bit different in January.  I have been working on a series of 31 journal like entries that are extremely honest.  Some may even raise a few eyebrows.  Each day of January I will post one journal entry.  I hope you will enjoy!

Cheers to 2013 for all it was and welcome 2014!

-MK

Goal Setting and Resolutions

I really enjoy setting goals and meeting them.  I feel more put together when I have goals that I am working toward. Even if the goal is something like not turning my heat on until December, I still feel accomplished. Which by the way for health purposes I did turn on my heat at thanksgiving when my thermostat read 56 degrees. 

New Years resolutions are right up my alley. My former roommate, Lindsey and I would hang up a list of resolutions in our apartment. We even decided to set a theme for each year. It started when Lindsey decided her theme in twenty dime would be "babies". You will have to ask her about the meaning behind that theme ;)  This past year my theme was "edgy" and "bible". Edgy because let's face it, 2012 was not a great year and 2013 was all about stepping outside my comfort zone and being edgy. And then bible because I wanted to read through the entire bible which is something I have never done. I made it about to June on the read through the bible in a year suggested reading schedule. Maybe next year I will read the other half? Maybe. 

I sat down to make some goals for 2014 and realized I needed to make a resolution to finish before the new year. That is get rid of all things "Archer" (my married name) that are still hanging around. Simple but difficult. I ordered a new credit card with my real name, I changed my name on my paycheck, I changed passwords and key codes that were Archer related. And it feels good but weird at the same time. 

It was easy for me to change my name when I got married. I was an excited newlywed. It was not easy to change my name back. There was a lot of emotion tied to that name and I guess that is why it's taken so long for me to change everything. I'm sitting in my sunroom with my newly activated credit card that displays the name Mary Kendall Land. It's strange to think that I won't ever sign Mary Kendall Archer again, like I have been every time I've used the old card this past year. It's strange to not type in mka when I log on my computer. These little remnants of my former life are gone just like my former life left me a year ago. I'm feeling bitter sweet in this moment. I wish you could see the way the sun is flooding in this room creating shadows across my body. It's a really beautiful moment for all that it is, bad and good. 

I Need A Rest

This week I'm studying pain medicine in pharmacology. I guess I haven't gotten to section of my book that cures the kind of pain I've experienced. The above quote is from my textbook. It is in the section called "severe pain" and refers to physical pain. But it might as well be in the section of the book about psychological issues. 

I am tired of hurting. I am tired of feeling like I can't catch a break. And the longer I hurt, the more aware I am of my pain. I can't ignore it and honestly I'm tired of dealing with my emotional hurts. I need a rest. 

Often over the past couple of years I've found myself screaming out to the Lord, "Where is my relief, my rest? When do I get a break from hurting?". I spent a long time in prayer yesterday praying for myself and for a close friend going through a particularly rough time. A lot of my prayer just asked for a glimpse of the light in the midst of what seems to be such a mess. 

So when I saw that quote in my book I had to share it. It is the words that I've wanted to say but couldn't write myself. Funny how a pharmacology text book can bring out so much emotion in me. 

The Same Yesterday and Today and Forever

Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever. Hebrews 13:8

Growing up in a Christian environment it has been ingrained in me that God is unchanging.  God is always there and always the same.  His love is unchanging. 

But what does this really mean for me? How does this relate to my day to day life and struggles?

Lately I've been in somewhat of a valley with my faith.  Last spring I was on a peak and shouting from the rooftops the joy of the Lord.  Today I find myself questioning everything, often wondering what is the point.  Where is all this faith stuff going?  Scary thoughts, huh?

A friend sent me a link to this post over on A Deeper Story that really got me thinking about the fluctuations of my faith. Thanks, Addie Zierman for this quote that basically sums up my current state of mind.

"God is unchanging, steady, forever. But faith ebbs and flows. It shatters and is reassembled. You are on fire for God and then the fire burns out and you are left angry and ashen and cold. It’s a road. It’s a journey. It’s a pit. It’s a paradise."

In a world where one day everything is roses and the next there is nothing but darkness, thank goodness we can count on a God that never changes.  People are fickle. The boy you like all of a sudden quits calling, your best friend sends you a mean text message, your mom misunderstands your feelings about family holidays...and on and on.  It's hard for me to trust people.  I've been burned by relationships with people a few too many times to fully trust anyone at this point in my life.  Almost to the point that I question my trust in God.  But thankfully we have the promise that God never changes.  He loves me today and tomorrow.  He works all things for the greater good forever and always.  Thank you, Lord, that I can count on that.  And while my thoughts on God may ebb and flow, His thoughts and intentions for me will never change.