10

I am sitting in my closet.  The walk in closet he built just for me.  Because who needs a bigger bathroom when you can have a walk in closet? I’m leaning against the stack of drawers my father-in-law built.  I’m finally talking to my husband.  It is the same day that Linsa called my mother.  Actual time wise that is.  In my head time has stopped. How could time have passed from morning to evening when my world shattered? He says he needs time.  Deep down I know it doesn’t matter.  He is gone, he just hasn’t fully decided. 

I pray anyway.  I cry anyway.  I lay in the bathroom floor with my face against the cold imported yellow tile.  I scream.  I scream like I’m dying because I am.  My world has collapsed.  That perfect cotillion life in the delta is gone. The house on the perfect street still exists but now I occupy it by myself. And the children, John Thurman “Jack” and Anne Stevenson “Annie” suddenly evaporate.  They existed in our heads but now they never will be.

Divorce is eminent but I am stubborn and know what I believe.  This is not a biblical divorce.  This may be what hurts the worst.  You should trust your husband within human limits.  But, God, he should never fail us and he never does but it sure does feel like it. How can the good little Christian girl from her bubble of perfection have this happen to her? My world is crushed.  My faith shattered.  Everything I have ever known and believed is gone. 

9

It was messy.  The money, the emotions, the selfishness, the pride. It made a mess.  I cannot report for him.  I no longer know him. A foreign concept still today.  I married someone expecting to spend all our holidays and happiness and sorrows together forever.   Yet somehow forever is shortened to a year and some change.  Very little change.

He left on a Sunday.  A confession I have never made is that I saw him leave.  Our alarm system had cameras installed that could be checked from a mobile app.  I logged into the app at the exact time he was walking out.  He had his orange bag.  He was locking the door.  He drove away.  I knew.  But later when I got home and he wouldn’t answer my calls or texts I was still surprised.  I was still shocked that his bag was gone, his computer, and everything else he needed the next week. 

My mother said his mother was beeping in on our conversation.  She had to go to take Linsa’s call.  I was there in our house.  Waiting to hear what my mother-in-law would say to my mother.  It’s a feeling of anticipation and panic and knowing what is coming before it comes.  There was no chance I could sit at that point. 

Returned call from my mother saying exactly what I already knew.  He had left.  He was too cowardly or as my mother-in-law said too upset to talk.  When you grow up like we did in the upper middle class it is difficult to face reality.  It’s so much easier to get your parents to take care of your problems.  Unfortunately it happens.  And it happened to my marriage. Mother-in-law passes to mother who passes to daughter that her husband has left her.  No they would not say where my husband was located.  No my husband would not be in contact.  

8

5/15/13 (from the notes in my phone)

Intimidation 

I was always intimidated by my mother and sisters in laws. JG is ten and seven years the junior to his sisters. He is the family's beloved baby boy. He was very doted on and for good reasons. I think the most intimidating thing for me was cooking. The women and men in jgs family are all amazing cooks. When we were dating JG would frequently eat at Ellen's house. And I always enjoyed listening to how awesome the meal was. For a girl who grew up on frozen lasagna, anyone who makes anything from scratch is someone I can admire. I've always wanted to be a good cook. And once I met JG the Archer women were the standard to achieve. I suffer from lots if insecurity when it comes to cooking. In my mind I had to be as good a cook as these women had been cooking for at least a decade longer than me. And when I didn't feel like I met that standard I was hard on myself. I think it caused a lot of resentment toward his family, especially Ellen.  She and JG have a special bond. He admires her. And in my eyes that was intimidating. 

I'm trying to read through the Bible in chronological order this year. I'm about 15 days behind though. Not too bad considering we are in the fifth month of this year. I've been reding through 1 Samuel and I came across a verse earlier this week that I cannot get out of my head. 

"So from that time on Saul kept a jealous eye on David." 1 Samuel 18:9

Saul was so consumed with jealousy toward David for reasons beyond his control. Saul couldn't stand that Jonathan loved david so much. It was Saul's own insecurities and jealousies that ultimately led to his downfall.  I want to learn from my mistakes.  And it's a painful pill to swallow when I admit my insecurities and jealousies. I can already hear those closest to me saying that I don't need to be blaming only myself and not JG. And that's not what I'm doing. But JG is his own person now and he will have to deal with his faults just as I am doing with mine now.  I'm thankful that I can recognize my sins and learn from them. I am thankful for a God who's words are so relatable to my own life. Even now I can hear Him telling me that He is taking care of me. And once again I am amazed at the way God continues to nourish me. 

7

“I will not cry. I will not cry. I will not cry.”

It is spring of 2013 and I am surrounded by my best friends in a van on the way to the beach.  We are laughing and talking.  I am “having fun”.  I am laughing along with my friends and even contributing to the conversation.  Yet I want to burst into tears.  Ugly sad tears from pain. 

I scroll through my phone to the app for notes.  I type, “I will not cry. I will not cry. I will not cry.” I squeeze my eyes shut tight to stop the tears from coming out.  I rejoin the conversation.  Less than a minute has passed but it feels like an eternity.

This is what it is like all the time living with depression.  Sometimes it feels like work just to breath.

6

April 22, 2013

(from my dream diary)

Once again I hate sleeping. I had bad dreams last night. I was longing for John George to come back. It was awful. He would pop in and out of my dreams. I hate typing his name out. It's a name I never want to see in print again. 

5

February 7, 2011

It was a Monday night.  It was just like any night.  I was cautious.  I had been burned.  I knew better than to trust any man.  We had met on August 12, 2010.  We made it official on October 1, 2010. 

We had never talked about the future. 

He asked the week prior if he could take me on a date, a real date to Walker’s Drive Inn.  This was typical.  I thought nothing of it.  I wore a $15 Gap t-shirt and leggings.  I told my roommate that he was annoying me that day.  He was.

He picked me up.  He looked amazing.  I doubt any other woman anywhere would have said this, but I did.  I loved his reseeding hairline and belly.  He was perfect. I can’t remember exactly what he wore but I know he looked good.   He was mine.  He was the most handsome man on earth that night. 

In perfect Mary Kendall style a Jehovah’s Witness knocked on the door at the same time he arrived.  Later John George told me he wanted to punch that guy.  I agree.  I want to punch them even when I’m not about to be proposed to.

4

I Can’t Help Falling in Love – Elvis Presley

Our first dance as a married couple.  “Only fools rush in”.  Is it true?  Did we rush in? I don’t know.  My classmate was talking about how she and her husband knew after a month they would get married.  That is how John George and I felt.  We didn’t even need to talk about it.  It just fit between the two of us.  And even though we ended in divorce I still believe we were meant for each other.  It was a perfect pairing.  We are human.  We make mistakes.  God allows those mistakes.  And yes, He allows us to suffer the consequences of those mistakes.  Thus my (our) divorce.  Most of the time I am glad I’m out of that situation with that particular family.  But in the moment I hear that song it takes me back to our wedding and why we fell in love.  “Take my hand, take my whole life too.”