14

In the South people become desperate in their late twenties.  We think we are desperate when we graduate college still single.  We just don’t realize that true desperation doesn’t come until about the age of 27.  That’s when your friends start to have babies.  Lots of babies.  That is when you realize truly all the decent singles are now taken.  You take what you can get at this point.

I met a perfectly lovely boy a few weeks ago.  We met at a bar and were introduced by mutual friends.  He has a good job and seems to have his head on straight.  He was a good conversationalist as well.  Maybe he was slightly over eager but I probably was too.  So we talked and drank.  And then we drank some more.  And then I drank some more.  I’m not even going to lie; I was drunk and slightly sloppy.  Not exactly the first impression I wanted to give off.  And certainly not the impression that would have ever gotten me a second meeting a few years ago.

But, you see, this guy and I are both in our late twenties and from the South.  So we are getting (maybe already there) desperate.  This not young man called the very next day to ask to spend more time with me.  He admitted that while I didn’t make the best first impression he still thought I seemed to be a good person and would be worth giving another chance.  Seriously? Why would anyone in his right mind want to take me out again?

It’s the desperation.  All of us Southern single folks past the age of 27 know what it is like to go out with someone we never would have considered in our early twenties.  We know what it is like to date someone a little too long because while we may not be overjoyed with our date they still are a date.  And dates can be few and far between at this point in our lives.

13

Honey, tact is for people who aren’t witty enough to be sarcastic. - Karen from Will & Grace

Sometimes just one small quote can sum up the majority of my life.

12

I become myself.  Who am I? What do I believe?  I believe in biblical marriage.  I believe that this divorce is not biblical.  I lie in the floor every night pounding my fists in anger that this is happening to a faithful servant of the Lord. I cry out over and over for God to save my marriage. 

My parents ask me to give up hope.  My therapist says I’m basically praying for an amputated limb to grow back.  My friends say they will pray but don’t understand why I still want to pray for support of my marriage.  Further questions arise as to what I believe if so many trusted confidants have given up on my marriage.  Why? Why am I the only one to hang on?  Where is the Lord in all of this?  Where is my hope?

I meet with my dad at Peppers of all places.  My college favorite restaurant.  I eat my usual chef salad and coke.  I remember everything.  My dad pleads for me to give in and get the divorce over.  I tell him my reasoning.

I read a book once about how God creates certain people for each other.  What if God created me for JG because He knew I would be stubborn enough to hold out on divorce in our hard times?  My family has called me stubborn all my life.  What if that stubbornness was God’s design for my life? For my marriage?

What about that retreat my parents took us to in North Carolina when I was in middle school.  There was the cutest little girl sitting in front of us.  My mom and I talked about how precious the child was.  And then her father speaks about his wife’s pregnancy with that little girl.  The prognosis was bleak.  The recommendation was abortion. The family prayed when everyone else said to abort.  Up until delivery the child was not expected to live.  The child was born perfect, healthy, and beautiful.  Prayer was there.  Prayer made a difference.

So prayer can make a difference with my marriage.  I will pray it back to a state of reconciliation. I will.  I have to.  This cannot happen to me.  Of everyone I know, I am the least likely person I know to get a divorce.  I have to pray.  God will change JG’s mind and heart.  He has to.  I’m praying.  I’ve done everything right.  How can this happen to me?  I can’t live with a divorce.

And so I pray. And pray.

11

Just one more drink? Maybe? Should I? 

I turn the corner into my driveway. I've been out with the girls. Everything tonight has been fabulous. But still...

They talked a lot about their husbands and fiancés.  When did I become the single one in this group? I was the first to get married. I was the one that always had a guy. How can I be the odd one out now?

Another drink for the pain? I better just go to bed. 

I'm ahead of the gang, right? They are still on husband  one. I'm looking for number two. I'm a leader, not a follower. I set the pace. I live the life we all dream of. 

10

I am sitting in my closet.  The walk in closet he built just for me.  Because who needs a bigger bathroom when you can have a walk in closet? I’m leaning against the stack of drawers my father-in-law built.  I’m finally talking to my husband.  It is the same day that Linsa called my mother.  Actual time wise that is.  In my head time has stopped. How could time have passed from morning to evening when my world shattered? He says he needs time.  Deep down I know it doesn’t matter.  He is gone, he just hasn’t fully decided. 

I pray anyway.  I cry anyway.  I lay in the bathroom floor with my face against the cold imported yellow tile.  I scream.  I scream like I’m dying because I am.  My world has collapsed.  That perfect cotillion life in the delta is gone. The house on the perfect street still exists but now I occupy it by myself. And the children, John Thurman “Jack” and Anne Stevenson “Annie” suddenly evaporate.  They existed in our heads but now they never will be.

Divorce is eminent but I am stubborn and know what I believe.  This is not a biblical divorce.  This may be what hurts the worst.  You should trust your husband within human limits.  But, God, he should never fail us and he never does but it sure does feel like it. How can the good little Christian girl from her bubble of perfection have this happen to her? My world is crushed.  My faith shattered.  Everything I have ever known and believed is gone. 

9

It was messy.  The money, the emotions, the selfishness, the pride. It made a mess.  I cannot report for him.  I no longer know him. A foreign concept still today.  I married someone expecting to spend all our holidays and happiness and sorrows together forever.   Yet somehow forever is shortened to a year and some change.  Very little change.

He left on a Sunday.  A confession I have never made is that I saw him leave.  Our alarm system had cameras installed that could be checked from a mobile app.  I logged into the app at the exact time he was walking out.  He had his orange bag.  He was locking the door.  He drove away.  I knew.  But later when I got home and he wouldn’t answer my calls or texts I was still surprised.  I was still shocked that his bag was gone, his computer, and everything else he needed the next week. 

My mother said his mother was beeping in on our conversation.  She had to go to take Linsa’s call.  I was there in our house.  Waiting to hear what my mother-in-law would say to my mother.  It’s a feeling of anticipation and panic and knowing what is coming before it comes.  There was no chance I could sit at that point. 

Returned call from my mother saying exactly what I already knew.  He had left.  He was too cowardly or as my mother-in-law said too upset to talk.  When you grow up like we did in the upper middle class it is difficult to face reality.  It’s so much easier to get your parents to take care of your problems.  Unfortunately it happens.  And it happened to my marriage. Mother-in-law passes to mother who passes to daughter that her husband has left her.  No they would not say where my husband was located.  No my husband would not be in contact.  

8

5/15/13 (from the notes in my phone)

Intimidation 

I was always intimidated by my mother and sisters in laws. JG is ten and seven years the junior to his sisters. He is the family's beloved baby boy. He was very doted on and for good reasons. I think the most intimidating thing for me was cooking. The women and men in jgs family are all amazing cooks. When we were dating JG would frequently eat at Ellen's house. And I always enjoyed listening to how awesome the meal was. For a girl who grew up on frozen lasagna, anyone who makes anything from scratch is someone I can admire. I've always wanted to be a good cook. And once I met JG the Archer women were the standard to achieve. I suffer from lots if insecurity when it comes to cooking. In my mind I had to be as good a cook as these women had been cooking for at least a decade longer than me. And when I didn't feel like I met that standard I was hard on myself. I think it caused a lot of resentment toward his family, especially Ellen.  She and JG have a special bond. He admires her. And in my eyes that was intimidating. 

I'm trying to read through the Bible in chronological order this year. I'm about 15 days behind though. Not too bad considering we are in the fifth month of this year. I've been reding through 1 Samuel and I came across a verse earlier this week that I cannot get out of my head. 

"So from that time on Saul kept a jealous eye on David." 1 Samuel 18:9

Saul was so consumed with jealousy toward David for reasons beyond his control. Saul couldn't stand that Jonathan loved david so much. It was Saul's own insecurities and jealousies that ultimately led to his downfall.  I want to learn from my mistakes.  And it's a painful pill to swallow when I admit my insecurities and jealousies. I can already hear those closest to me saying that I don't need to be blaming only myself and not JG. And that's not what I'm doing. But JG is his own person now and he will have to deal with his faults just as I am doing with mine now.  I'm thankful that I can recognize my sins and learn from them. I am thankful for a God who's words are so relatable to my own life. Even now I can hear Him telling me that He is taking care of me. And once again I am amazed at the way God continues to nourish me.