Welcome 2014

I've decided to make "avant garde" as my 2014 theme. Not only is it one of my favorite challenges on Project Runway, I love the synonyms for this word.

I feel like I've begun pushing myself outside of my comfort zone in 2013 and want to continue this avant garde way of living and thinking into this new year.  

I have also made a list of goals (resolutions) for 2014.  Hopefully I can stick with this list.

1. Keep at least at 3.0 gpa.  Sounds simple but grades are just not a priority for me this time around.
2. I have a hard time just sitting still- I would like to go to the reservoir (or somewhere similar) and just sit with Sally. Even if I only do this once it would be progress.
3. Get up early at least one day a week for some me/God time. Also I won't be rushed and my day will hopefully be better because of this.
4. Join a bible study-possibly rejoin my Redeemer group or check out the single girl's group at Fondren Church that a classmate invited me to join.
5. Be more intentional with dating and what I expect from my dating life. Yikes...this might be the toughest goal.
6. Go on at least three really good dates with a man or men that are worthy of me.
7. Paint my house shutters, my bathroom and the guest room (trim included in this room).
8. Have a dinner party at my house that would make Martha Stewart proud.
9. Plant a vegetable garden on the side of my house.  Nothing big, maybe just squash or something simple for my first time gardening.  The worst part of this is going to be digging out all the weeds in this area of my yard.
10. When I come to anything with my former married name on it, I will change it immediately. Procrastination leads to that name still hanging around after a year.
11. The obligatory lose weigh resolution.  I'd like to get to my graduated school weight which is about 15 pounds lighter than I am now. Maybe I'll start wearing pants again if I can shed a few pounds. 

As for the blog in 2014, I will be doing something a little bit different in January.  I have been working on a series of 31 journal like entries that are extremely honest.  Some may even raise a few eyebrows.  Each day of January I will post one journal entry.  I hope you will enjoy!

Cheers to 2013 for all it was and welcome 2014!

-MK

Goal Setting and Resolutions

I really enjoy setting goals and meeting them.  I feel more put together when I have goals that I am working toward. Even if the goal is something like not turning my heat on until December, I still feel accomplished. Which by the way for health purposes I did turn on my heat at thanksgiving when my thermostat read 56 degrees. 

New Years resolutions are right up my alley. My former roommate, Lindsey and I would hang up a list of resolutions in our apartment. We even decided to set a theme for each year. It started when Lindsey decided her theme in twenty dime would be "babies". You will have to ask her about the meaning behind that theme ;)  This past year my theme was "edgy" and "bible". Edgy because let's face it, 2012 was not a great year and 2013 was all about stepping outside my comfort zone and being edgy. And then bible because I wanted to read through the entire bible which is something I have never done. I made it about to June on the read through the bible in a year suggested reading schedule. Maybe next year I will read the other half? Maybe. 

I sat down to make some goals for 2014 and realized I needed to make a resolution to finish before the new year. That is get rid of all things "Archer" (my married name) that are still hanging around. Simple but difficult. I ordered a new credit card with my real name, I changed my name on my paycheck, I changed passwords and key codes that were Archer related. And it feels good but weird at the same time. 

It was easy for me to change my name when I got married. I was an excited newlywed. It was not easy to change my name back. There was a lot of emotion tied to that name and I guess that is why it's taken so long for me to change everything. I'm sitting in my sunroom with my newly activated credit card that displays the name Mary Kendall Land. It's strange to think that I won't ever sign Mary Kendall Archer again, like I have been every time I've used the old card this past year. It's strange to not type in mka when I log on my computer. These little remnants of my former life are gone just like my former life left me a year ago. I'm feeling bitter sweet in this moment. I wish you could see the way the sun is flooding in this room creating shadows across my body. It's a really beautiful moment for all that it is, bad and good. 

I Need A Rest

This week I'm studying pain medicine in pharmacology. I guess I haven't gotten to section of my book that cures the kind of pain I've experienced. The above quote is from my textbook. It is in the section called "severe pain" and refers to physical pain. But it might as well be in the section of the book about psychological issues. 

I am tired of hurting. I am tired of feeling like I can't catch a break. And the longer I hurt, the more aware I am of my pain. I can't ignore it and honestly I'm tired of dealing with my emotional hurts. I need a rest. 

Often over the past couple of years I've found myself screaming out to the Lord, "Where is my relief, my rest? When do I get a break from hurting?". I spent a long time in prayer yesterday praying for myself and for a close friend going through a particularly rough time. A lot of my prayer just asked for a glimpse of the light in the midst of what seems to be such a mess. 

So when I saw that quote in my book I had to share it. It is the words that I've wanted to say but couldn't write myself. Funny how a pharmacology text book can bring out so much emotion in me. 

The Same Yesterday and Today and Forever

Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever. Hebrews 13:8

Growing up in a Christian environment it has been ingrained in me that God is unchanging.  God is always there and always the same.  His love is unchanging. 

But what does this really mean for me? How does this relate to my day to day life and struggles?

Lately I've been in somewhat of a valley with my faith.  Last spring I was on a peak and shouting from the rooftops the joy of the Lord.  Today I find myself questioning everything, often wondering what is the point.  Where is all this faith stuff going?  Scary thoughts, huh?

A friend sent me a link to this post over on A Deeper Story that really got me thinking about the fluctuations of my faith. Thanks, Addie Zierman for this quote that basically sums up my current state of mind.

"God is unchanging, steady, forever. But faith ebbs and flows. It shatters and is reassembled. You are on fire for God and then the fire burns out and you are left angry and ashen and cold. It’s a road. It’s a journey. It’s a pit. It’s a paradise."

In a world where one day everything is roses and the next there is nothing but darkness, thank goodness we can count on a God that never changes.  People are fickle. The boy you like all of a sudden quits calling, your best friend sends you a mean text message, your mom misunderstands your feelings about family holidays...and on and on.  It's hard for me to trust people.  I've been burned by relationships with people a few too many times to fully trust anyone at this point in my life.  Almost to the point that I question my trust in God.  But thankfully we have the promise that God never changes.  He loves me today and tomorrow.  He works all things for the greater good forever and always.  Thank you, Lord, that I can count on that.  And while my thoughts on God may ebb and flow, His thoughts and intentions for me will never change.

In a Manner Worthy of the Gospel of Christ

Today I am reminded of a very special girl in whom I have the utmost respect.  Her story is not mine to tell but I will say that she has shown the kind of courage that most of us can only image.  This post is inspired by her strength and her commitment to trust in the Lord no matter what challenge may come.

It is no secret that I have made a lot of mistakes on my journey.  I made some very big mistakes and ultimately ended up divorced.  I haven't always been proud of the way I conducted myself but I will say that I can hold my head up high today because of my actions this past year.  When JG left I faced a lot of tough decisions.  Should I grant him the divorce?  How can I continue to trust in God when he is allowing this to happen to me?  How should I treat JG, his family and friends?  What do I need to do to make things right between us?  How can I live with myself once this is all over?

If you have read my blog before you know that I took a particularly long time to grant the divorce.  You also know that I fought the divorce despite even my own parents telling me to sign the papers.  I knew I had to live with my decision about my marriage for the rest of my life.  I knew that I had to make a decision based off of me and not what anyone else thought.  Yes, I do think at the time it caused some unnecessary pain in prolonging the inevitable.  No, I do not regret that.  I stood up for what I truly believe down to my very core.  I believe that marriage is set apart by God in such a sacred way that it should never be broken.  I feel that Christians give up much too easily on marriage.  Divorce should never be an option in a Christian marriage.  As Christians we should live our lives differently....even when we make mistakes.  We are a body of Christ that should be able to come clean to the Lord and each other.  We can own our sins and still show our love of Christ through the way we handle our mistakes. As Christians it is so important that we be able to stand together and share together even when mistakes are made. That is exactly what the very special girl I mentioned earlier has done.  And that is what I hope I have somehow been able to show through the way I handled my divorce.

Since JG left I have started seeking the Lord harder than I can ever remember.  I live every day with the intention of furthering His Kingdom.  While I am a sinner and I committed huge grievances against my ex-husband, I have found a way to look at my self in the mirror and be proud.  I found that through Christ.  When I see my ex-inlaws I can look them in the eye because I know I have conducted myself in a way that is honorable.  When I think of my ex-husband I feel compassion because of the strength I find in the Lord.  If nothing else comes from my story, I hope that someone else will see the strength the Lord has given me and be able to conduct themselves in "a manner worthy of the gospel of Christ."*  That strength is what my very special friend has inspired me to strive for everyday.  No matter what your story or what your past what really matters is who you are and what you do with your story.

*"Whatever happens, conduct yourselves in a manner worthy of the gospel of Christ. Then, whether I come and see you or only hear about you in my absence, I will know that you stand firm in the one Spirit, striving together as one for the faith of the gospel." Philippians 1:27

The Day That Changed My Life

365 days ago my life changed forever.  My path took a turn I never saw coming.  It was the worst day of my life. Yet somehow all these days later, I am grateful for the sharp turn in my path.

I came home on Sunday, October 21, 2012 from a weekend with my two best friends in Birmingham.  When I got home my husband wasn't home.  It was around lunch so I thought he had gone to get something to eat.  A quick call got his voicemail and a text got no reply.  That is when I noticed our laptop was gone.  So was the computer bag.  And so was his suitcase.

Now, we had more than our fair share of difficulties in our marriage of barely a year but never had either of packed up and with not so much as a word or indication of leaving.  We had not even seen each other in 3 days.  How could something go wrong when we weren't even together?

I called my mother and calmly told her I thought John George had left.  I remember her asking why and me explaining about the missing items.  That is when she interrupted me saying that his mother was beeping in on her phone.  We ended our call and I very nervously waited to hear why my mother in law was calling my mother.  My mom called back soon and said that JG's mother was calling to pass along the message that he had left me and could my mother pass the message to me.  Yes, seriously!  That is a true story.  That is just how it happened. 

I don't really remember much about the rest of the day.  My parents who thankfully live only 20 minutes away immediately headed to my house. I remember crying.  I remember finally getting JG on the phone later that night.  I was sitting in my beautiful walk in close that the two of us had so lovingly planned and constructed.  I was crying and confused.  I don't really remember the conversation but I do know he said he just needed time to decide if he wanted a divorce or not.  I never knew that day where he was or who he was with but I did know he was gone.

My life changed forever that day.  The perfect life I had dreamed of for so long was gone.  It was taken from me.  I didn't get a choice.  It's all still so confusing to me.  How can I today be so grateful for a life that came as a result of a divorce?  I am not grateful for my divorce yet I am so grateful to not be bound to that man and that life for the rest of my days. 

Two remarkable things happened today that reminded me of God's presence. The first a text from a loving friend. The second being an unpaid bill at the dentist. 

I woke up to an encouraging message from a sweet friend that I haven't seen in quite a while.  She told me she was praying for me today.  At the time I did not realize that today was exactly a year since JG left.  I just thought it was another day.  Which honestly it is.  Later on in the day I did the math on the calendar and was struck by how important it was to have someone praying for me today.  How awesome is God?

I also went in today to have a cavity filled. I was informed that I had an outstanding bill from 2012.  A bill that JG had told me he paid last fall.  Come to find out he only paid the portion of the bill that was for his dental services.  At first I started to tear up.  How can he still be such a jerk "from beyond the grave" of our marriage?  Its like my married last name that seems like it will never fully go away.  And then as I'm texting my mother about the bill, a really calm feeling came over me.  I realized that I am free from the man who treated me like I wasn't even human.  I'm glad it wasn't my choice.  I would have held on forever to my marriage.  I truly believed and still do believe that God can do anything, including save my former marriage.  Now do I think He will save my marriage? No. Do I want Him to save my marriage? This I feel bad for saying but the answer is no. Stranger things have happened though so I'm just going to keep living each day as it comes with my eyes on My Lord and Savior.

So today I am grateful for the worst day of my life.  It had to happen to get me to the person I am today.  I was dropped flat on my face and my world turned upside down but through it all God has been faithful. He has never left me even in my darkest moments.  Thank you, Lord and Father, for your many many blessings.

#differentlifephases

No less than 4 of my Facebook friends had babies today. And that is counting the husband and wife as just 1 friend. I say no less than 4 because every time I open FB there is another bundle of joy in one of those white blankets with the pink and blue stripes. Who knows how many more newborns will show up on my newsfeed before the night is over? I really do think it is such a wonderful blessing from God to know four people who welcomed healthy babies into the world today. So to celebrate I'm having an appetizer of popcorn along with my new favorite drink, a port and lemon, while I wait for my spaghetti to cook. 

If you haven't heard of a port and lemon you should. I first tried it at The Apothecary in Fondren. After a little Google research I learned that this is the drink of choice for elderly women in the UK. This actually makes me like it more for some odd reason. The recipe calls for Port (I substitute a cheap bottle of red wine) and soda water with lemon (I substitute 7-Up).  It is delicious! 

So congratulations to all my friends and their new adventures in parenthood! But for now I am quite happy to eat popcorn and spaghetti for dinner while drinking my glorified wine spritzer!