What I Have Been Reading...and my guilty pleasure tv

I've gotten on a huge reading kick lately.  Google search: fiction divorce book. Several reading lists later I came across Gone Girl.  And then once I finished that, Amazon recommended Before I Go To Sleep and The Silent Wife.
 

I loved Gone Girl.  It is about a woman who frames her no good husband for her own murder.  I must admit that it took it me until I go to about 90% through the book to feel like the wife was the bad guy. I'm going to chalk up me siding with a sociopath to my current post divorce revenge state of mind.  Not that I actually want to get revenge but I do love to daydream of printing the secret Archer family mint julep recipe in the Delta Democrat (Greenville newspaper/small town where JG is from and parents still live).  Did I mention that the recipe is hand written on his mother's stationary and says "welcome to the family"?  Now that I am admitting this I officially can't act out this revenge.  Or I guess I will be the number 1 suspect if I do this.

Before I Go To Sleep, also a good book.  A 50 First Dates kind of book.  A woman wakes up every morning with no memory of the past twenty years or so.  She remembers nothing about her husband and forgets him every night when she goes to sleep. She finds a hidden journal instructing her not to trust her husband. 

 

 

 And lastly The Silent Wife.  This was my least favorite of the three.  But still it was a good read...if you check it out from the library.  Don't pay for it.  You find out in the first chapter that the couple isn't actually married.  They have just been living together for twenty years. Maybe I am just too traditional but that kind of ruined the story for me.  I just don't relate to that lifestyle.  Anyways, the book is about a man who has an affair and his wife plots his murder.  The writing style is just a little dry for my taste.  Its very straight forward.  Although I do like the "wife's" sense of style and her classy nature.

So are you sensing a theme in my reading choices?  All part of the healing process, right?

And just because HBOgo is the best thing since sliced bread....I'm obsessed with Big Love.

I am about half way through season 4 and will probably finish by next week.  I currently love Margene and Nicki.  I currently dislike Barb and Bill.  Barb is so boring.  Does anyone else watch Big Love? I'm told the ending will blow my mind.  I can't wait!

A Room A Day: day 2 & 3

I'm still doing good with my room a day challenge. The house is at least looking cleaner. I haven't done much additional unpacking so nothing is really decorated yet. But I did have time to work on the cabinets in the butler's pantry. They aren't perfect yet but I'm liking the over all look. Just a few more small tweaks and I think I will be satisfied. 

I'm using my everyday dishes in here and saving the fine stuff for the china cabinet. 

I'm also still working on what to do with the serving part of the buffet area. There are cloth napkins in that copper piece. I've been using them instead of paper. Not really because I'm into being green but more so because I haven't gone to buy paper napkins. I actually really like using cloth napkins. It makes me feel fancy even when I'm just eating frozen pizza! 

Here is the other side of the room. Work in progress for sure. But honestly this house is so cute it doesn't take much to make it look good. Thank goodness!

This next picture is only to prove I actually cleaned up the dining room. It in no way reflects what the finished product will look like. It's got tons of potential though! 

Fun story about this room. I had professionals come in to paint the walls and ceilings. I love the cream on the walls but the ceilings were a bummer. I wanted blue but picked the wrong shade. So after having professionals paint, I spent an entire afternoon re-painting the ceilings. Out of sheer laziness I didn't want to go get the paint remixed so I just dumped my bedroom paint color into the original ceiling color. I like how it turned out. Subtle blue and very warm. 

 

So that is it, day 2 and 3 complete and two more rooms at least straight and clean!

Questions

Lately, things have been difficult for me. I've been in a depression that I just can't seem to shake. I'm struggling with moving forward. For a marriage that lasted such a short amount of time I feel like I should have moved on by now. I'm frustrated that it still hurts so bad. How can I have been doing so well and moving on with my life so smoothly only to be hit with this "set back"? There is just so much to process. I may never get finished processing my feelings.  

Lately it has been John George that I have been processing. Enough time has passed that everything of the past year seems much less dramatic than it was at the time it happened. I miss him. While I have been mad at JG at times I've never felt like I couldn't forgive him for anything that has happened. I struggle with how to feel about him. Part of me just wants to cry out to God to save our marriage. That part of me that I have been told is naive. That hopeful part of me with child like faith. If I'm really honest with myself, I do still hold out hope that JG and I will reconnect. And while I do think its never futile to pray for the reconciliation of my marriage, I know it's not necessarily the most healthy prayer for my recovery. So how can I move forward while still continuing to love JG? It's hard to even pray for his well being without getting over emotional. 

Mark 10:9 is really hitting me hard. "What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate." ESV

Just because the state of Mississippi says we aren't legally married doesn't mean I don't still feel that connection with JG. And the connection I feel is much more important than what Mississippi has to say about my marriage. My feelings of connection come from God joining us together in front of all our friends and family almost two years ago. I really meant that vow I took. I'm just not sure how to go forward with these feelings. 

I try not to think back on the mistakes that were made over the past year that led to my divorce. I definitely was the instigator in starting our troubles. I couldn't get along with JG's sisters and I took out my anger on them. It's hard not to look back and see how even tiny little things could have prevented all of this. But then again would the problems of my marriage have come along regardless?  As much as I wish I could change some things it's fruitless to think that way. And I honestly don't want to go back to being the person I was last summer. I love the "new" me. I love the way I view life now. I love my relationship with The Lord. I would never want to go back to that person I used to be. 

So what do I do now? How do I go forward? When I pray, I don't know what to pray for. I'm asking God to give me wisdom on what to do because I certainly don't have the answers. 

A Room A Day

The house has gotten a little out of control. I'm a huge procrastinator so most of the house has not been unpacked. My goal this week is to get a room a day cleaned and organized. I started with the kitchen. I'm pretty much done with my makeover to the kitchen. You have seen the countertops and I've also updated the cabinet nobs by painting them silver. This weekend I finally got around to painting the chalkboard wall in the kitchen. I really like how it turned out!  

The old ironing board cabinet makes a great spice rack. I bought this little bulldog bottle opener back in October but never got to use it in my other kitchen. And then the fridge is updated simply because I covered all the scratches and paint marks with pictures. 

Have I mentioned Sally has her own door in the kitchen? It's the most expensive thing I've bought since I moved in ($150!?!?) and the little "princess" won't use it. She actually won't even go outside by herself anymore. So rotten!

And then lastly, the laundry room is also part of the kitchen so I figured that was included in today's room organization endeavor. It was pretty gross. I bleached just about everything in this tiny closet including the inside of the washer and dryer. I'm not sure how something that's main purpose is to clean can get so gross. I'm pretty proud of how well everything fits now. 

Day 1 of "a room a day" challenge is complete and a success!

First Room Completed!

The sunroom has quickly become my favorite room in my house. It's the perfect Sunday afternoon reading/napping spot. I just love it. And since its the smallest room in the house I decided to tackle it first when it came to decorating. 

This is how the previous owners had it decorated. It really did look good and fit with the house so well. It was just a little darker than I prefer. 

And here is the room now from the same angle. 

I painted the walls light blue and decided to take a leap by painting the ceiling a fire orange. I'm thrilled with the result. I promise I'm not trying to be artsy with this photo. I just wanted to make sure y'all got a good look at the ceiling!

My MeeMaw's antique rocking chair sits in one corner. 

And my Nanny's antique tea table complete with her tea cups sit on the wall opposite the daybed. She left me specific instructions to use that table with those tea cups on it. And she was right! It does look good! I also love how well this painting goes with the look of the room. I won it at a silent auction a few years back. Silent auctions are about the only way I can afford original artwork. PS look at the original door lock chain hanging at the top of the door. Character!

Here are a couple more pictures of the whole room. I just love the windows and the glass pane doors leading to the den and dining room. 

I realize I used "just love" an annoying amount of times in this post but it is true, I just love this room. It is modern and light yet very homey.

Self Protection

This is a difficult post. Hitting the publish button will be scary. I'm admitting some terrible things I've done and its hard. But I've always been open about my marriage and the mistakes I made. I want to be real. I want to be transparent and open my hurt and sins up to my fellow believers. So that we can be transparent together. 

Sometimes I think I'd like to cut myself off from all people. Wouldn't it just be easier to live an isolated life with no real relationships? That way I would never get hurt. I'd never feel the emotional pain that comes with being with people. I've been hurt so much this past year. Pain I can't even describe. The kind of pain that makes it actually seem like a reasonable idea to shut off all my relationships. Self protection. 

I know it's not reasonable to think a person will never hurt me or let me down. That is just who we are. We let other people down. Even the people we love the most, we end up hurting. We just can't help it. And inevitably those people we love the most will also let us down. 

I let JG down. I disappointed him in such a tremendous way that he chose to shut me out of his life. He felt he had to protect himself from any further hurt from me so he ended our relationship. Unfortunately this wasn't just a friendship or a dating relationship, it was and still is a marriage. A relationship bound by God. I often wonder that just because the law no longer says we are married does God say that? I honestly don't know how to answer that question. 

I did hurt JG. I didn't get along with his family and I hurt them too. And as a result I further hurt JG. I am an emotional person. I show my emotions in big ways. Especially anger. I hurt JG with my huge emotions. Yelling and slamming doors. Throwing things. I even once slapped JG. It is one of the biggest regrets of my life. I think if I could take just one day back, that would be the day. In fact I know that day I slapped him would be the day I take back. But none of us can rewrite history. We can only go forward with an effort to have learned from our past. To have learned from the hurt others caused us and the hurt we caused others. 

So while I sometimes wish I could just cut out all my relationships and avoid ever being hurt again, I know that is impractical. And probably not even possible. I've got to look to God to heal my pain and to give me the strength to forgive others. I must realize that there are relationships I have that are worth keeping despite knowing they will one day let me down. And there are people that love me enough to continue their relationships with me even though they know I will let them down.  

Cluttering My Life

I went this past weekend to the coast with Mallory. We stayed at her aunt's house where her aunt, uncle, three cousins and grandmother all live. Saturday morning while her cousin made me a waffle, her grandma was digging through a cabinet looking for the lid to a Tupperware container. The cabinet was clearly quite cluttered  with too many to count different shaped dishes and lids. And this is probably the strangest reaction to seeing clutter but it gave me this warm feeling inside. It made me think of my parent's house.  It's a home. A lived in home with lots of memories and love and the least important thing on anyone's mind is keeping the Tupperware cabinet organized. Btw...mine and JG's Tupperware drawer was always organized. What do you literary people call that? Symbolism?

For most of my life I've wanted to be perfect. To look perfect, act perfect, be perfect. As all humans do, I have failed. My life inevitably becomes cluttered with emotions and knick-knacks and the business of living. When I saw that cluttered cabinet all I could think is that I can't wait for my house to get cluttered. I can't wait to have lived in my house enough to make it a home. 

To my surprise when I returned from the coast my parents had unpacked most of my house. They are awesome. It was one of those moments when I couldn't even find the words for how grateful I was for them. I opened up drawers and cabinets excited to see everything in a place! And what do you know but I found my Tupperware (gladware, let's get real.. I'm cheap!) in a cabinet where it all just didn't quite fit perfectly. 

It's pretty organized but certainly not perfect. I like it that way. I like a little clutter. It feels a little more like home everyday. 

On the Lighter Side...

Believe it or not I do like to have fun!  And I have a lot of it! I feel like my blog is always so serious.  So here are some of the highlights from my past three weekends. I am blessed with incredible friends!

Mid-June I took a trip to Nikki's cabin on Smith Lake in Alabama.  A girl's weekend at it's best! And I got to use (try out) my nursing skills when Kristi twisted her ankle.  Definitely not the highlight of the weekend but I did show off my palpation skills.  :)  I'm so glad that  Nikki and her friends from Starkville let me be a part of this weekend.  You know the feeling of just being yourself? That is exactly how I felt all weekend.  I haven't been so relaxed in I can't even remember when!

Captain Nikki

Awesome to go wine glass.  Thanks, Katy!

Kristi, pre-ankle injury

Janna and Erica up front

June 28, I was honored to be a part of Katy and Dave's wedding.  Katy was gorgeous.  I actually teared up when I first saw her in her dress and all dolled up. The reception was fabulous.  Honestly, one of the most fun weddings I have attended! I stole a few of these from facebook...

Definitely having a good time!

And then to round out my busy weekends, I took a trip to the Mississippi gulf coast with Mallory to visit her family for the 4th.  Hamburgers, hotdogs, swimming pool, old stomping grounds, Edd's Drive In, reading not for school and the cutest little sixth month old there ever was! Plus we stopped in Magee on the way home for some gooood Mexican!

Did I also mention that he is the happiest child ever?

So that is what I have been up to lately.  Now on to week seven of nursing school and to study for test number twelve of this summer.  Bluh!

Memories

I used to date this guy, Fred (obviously not his real name).  I always loved that Fred had freckles on his eyelids. These freckles were small enough that you had to get fairly close to Fred's face in order to see them. I remember thinking back when Fred and I were dating that even if we didn't end up together I would still remember those freckles. It would be an intimate detail that I could store in my memory about Fred. 

Last night I started to think about John George (real name) and what I would consider his "freckles". What is that one intimate detail of JG that only I would know about or have paid enough attention to remember? I found myself stumped. I can't remember any distinguishing moles or scars. Nothing that only I would know. And now this may be tmi but all I could think about is this tiny benign cyst JG has that likely no one besides the two of us knows about and that he has bad acne on his bum. Isn't that awful? I'm trying to think of some sort of nostalgic detail to remember JG by and all I can think of are cysts and crusty pustules. (I couldn't resist using a little of my new nursing terminology!) And then I start just trying to remember his face and that too seems very distant in my memory. I know it is a good thing to feel distance between myself and JG and all of my memories of him but I'm reluctant to be distant. Distance means that this part of me truly is coming to an end. Everyday I feel less and less the stigma of being divorced and more and more just me.  But still it's hard to no longer feel like a wife. It's hard to let that feeling go. I might not have been that great at being a wife but I truly did love being a wife. I'm trying to embrace being just me. Not a wife. Not a part of another person.

So on this lazy Saturday night I propose a toast. A toast to memories fading and being replaced by new times. And here's to embracing independence and the life that God so graciously has given us. 

"Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God's will for you in Jesus Christ." 1 Thessalonians 5:18

3!!

Happy birthday to the sweetest little three year old ever, Sally Belle! 

She thinks she is the queen...