- Keep at least at 3.0 gpa. Sounds simple but grades are just not a priority for me this time around.
- I have a hard time just sitting still- I would like to go to the reservoir (or somewhere similar) and just sit with Sally. Even if I only do this once it would be progress.
- Get up early at least one day a week for some me/God time. Also I won't be rushed and my day will hopefully be better because of this.
- Join a bible study-possibly rejoin my Redeemer group or check out the single girl's group at Fondren Church that a classmate invited me to join.
- Be more intentional with dating and what I expect from my dating life. Yikes...this might be the toughest goal.
- Go on at least three really good dates with a man or men that are worthy of me.
- Paint my house shutters, my bathroom and the guest room (trim included in this room).
- Have a dinner party at my house that would make Martha Stewart proud.
- Plant a vegetable garden on the side of my house. Nothing big, maybe just squash or something simple for my first time gardening. The worst part of this is going to be digging out all the weeds in this area of my yard.
- When I come to anything with my former married name on it, I will change it immediately. Procrastination leads to that name still hanging around after a year.
- The obligatory lose weigh resolution. I'd like to get to my graduated school weight which is about 15 pounds lighter than I am now. Maybe I'll start wearing pants again if I can shed a few pounds.
Tuesday, December 31, 2013
Thursday, December 19, 2013
Sunday, November 24, 2013
Thursday, November 21, 2013
Growing up in a Christian environment it has been ingrained in me that God is unchanging. God is always there and always the same. His love is unchanging.
But what does this really mean for me? How does this relate to my day to day life and struggles?
Lately I've been in somewhat of a valley with my faith. Last spring I was on a peak and shouting from the rooftops the joy of the Lord. Today I find myself questioning everything, often wondering what is the point. Where is all this faith stuff going? Scary thoughts, huh?
A friend sent me a link to this post over on A Deeper Story that really got me thinking about the fluctuations of my faith. Thanks, Addie Zierman for this quote that basically sums up my current state of mind.
"God is unchanging, steady, forever. But faith ebbs and flows. It shatters and is reassembled. You are on fire for God and then the fire burns out and you are left angry and ashen and cold. It’s a road. It’s a journey. It’s a pit. It’s a paradise."In a world where one day everything is roses and the next there is nothing but darkness, thank goodness we can count on a God that never changes. People are fickle. The boy you like all of a sudden quits calling, your best friend sends you a mean text message, your mom misunderstands your feelings about family holidays...and on and on. It's hard for me to trust people. I've been burned by relationships with people a few too many times to fully trust anyone at this point in my life. Almost to the point that I question my trust in God. But thankfully we have the promise that God never changes. He loves me today and tomorrow. He works all things for the greater good forever and always. Thank you, Lord, that I can count on that. And while my thoughts on God may ebb and flow, His thoughts and intentions for me will never change.
Wednesday, October 30, 2013
Monday, October 21, 2013
I came home on Sunday, October 21, 2012 from a weekend with my two best friends in Birmingham. When I got home my husband wasn't home. It was around lunch so I thought he had gone to get something to eat. A quick call got his voicemail and a text got no reply. That is when I noticed our laptop was gone. So was the computer bag. And so was his suitcase.
Now, we had more than our fair share of difficulties in our marriage of barely a year but never had either of packed up and with not so much as a word or indication of leaving. We had not even seen each other in 3 days. How could something go wrong when we weren't even together?
I called my mother and calmly told her I thought John George had left. I remember her asking why and me explaining about the missing items. That is when she interrupted me saying that his mother was beeping in on her phone. We ended our call and I very nervously waited to hear why my mother in law was calling my mother. My mom called back soon and said that JG's mother was calling to pass along the message that he had left me and could my mother pass the message to me. Yes, seriously! That is a true story. That is just how it happened.
I don't really remember much about the rest of the day. My parents who thankfully live only 20 minutes away immediately headed to my house. I remember crying. I remember finally getting JG on the phone later that night. I was sitting in my beautiful walk in close that the two of us had so lovingly planned and constructed. I was crying and confused. I don't really remember the conversation but I do know he said he just needed time to decide if he wanted a divorce or not. I never knew that day where he was or who he was with but I did know he was gone.
My life changed forever that day. The perfect life I had dreamed of for so long was gone. It was taken from me. I didn't get a choice. It's all still so confusing to me. How can I today be so grateful for a life that came as a result of a divorce? I am not grateful for my divorce yet I am so grateful to not be bound to that man and that life for the rest of my days.
Two remarkable things happened today that reminded me of God's presence. The first a text from a loving friend. The second being an unpaid bill at the dentist.
I woke up to an encouraging message from a sweet friend that I haven't seen in quite a while. She told me she was praying for me today. At the time I did not realize that today was exactly a year since JG left. I just thought it was another day. Which honestly it is. Later on in the day I did the math on the calendar and was struck by how important it was to have someone praying for me today. How awesome is God?
I also went in today to have a cavity filled. I was informed that I had an outstanding bill from 2012. A bill that JG had told me he paid last fall. Come to find out he only paid the portion of the bill that was for his dental services. At first I started to tear up. How can he still be such a jerk "from beyond the grave" of our marriage? Its like my married last name that seems like it will never fully go away. And then as I'm texting my mother about the bill, a really calm feeling came over me. I realized that I am free from the man who treated me like I wasn't even human. I'm glad it wasn't my choice. I would have held on forever to my marriage. I truly believed and still do believe that God can do anything, including save my former marriage. Now do I think He will save my marriage? No. Do I want Him to save my marriage? This I feel bad for saying but the answer is no. Stranger things have happened though so I'm just going to keep living each day as it comes with my eyes on My Lord and Savior.
So today I am grateful for the worst day of my life. It had to happen to get me to the person I am today. I was dropped flat on my face and my world turned upside down but through it all God has been faithful. He has never left me even in my darkest moments. Thank you, Lord and Father, for your many many blessings.
Wednesday, September 11, 2013
Wednesday, September 4, 2013
The past two weeks I have been doing clinical in the delta. The Rolling Fork area to be specific. I loved it. I loved working with kids in the schools there but I also just loved being in the delta. It has been a while since I have been "home". Just the feeling of riding through what most people would call nothing is soothing to me. I honestly had forgotten that Jackson is a big city. I'm literally never not surrounded by stuff....buildings, houses, hospitals, people, traffic, STUFF! I think the Dixie Chicks were on to something singing about Wide Open Spaces.*
I grew up in Greenwood, Mississippi. And I will argue with anyone that the Mississippi delta is the classiest place on earth. I'm a girl who loves tradition and the delta is full of that. ** Greenwood and the delta will always be my home. About a year and a half ago when my parents decided to move away from the delta I was anything but happy. Why would they ever want to leave the delta? Why would they want to leave the home my brother and I grew up in? Why would they want to leave Pillow Academy? Pillow is the school where both my parents worked while I was growing up. Pillow is a huge part of Greenwood and while growing up Pillow was our life. I'm fairly certain my brother and I never took a picture before the age of at least 10 without some kind of Pillow paraphernalia.*** We even named our favorite dog after the green and gold(en retriever) Mustangs. So the last thing I wanted was for my parents leave Pillow and Greenwood for MRA and Madison.
Fortunately, they made the move despite my protests. Yes, fortunately. My parents only thought they were moving for a job. Little did we know they were moving just twenty minutes from my house about two weeks before the most difficult year of my life took place. It's one of those times that you realize God is in complete control and that his time truly is perfect. I have no idea what would have happened over the past year and a half if they had not been close enough to drive to my house in the middle of the night. I can tell you that I know I would not be any where close to where I am today without them so close.
So now a year and a half after my parents became (sigh) Madisonites I could not be happier with their move. My mom and I were able to go shopping this afternoon and have dinner. On a Wednesday night! There is this parody of Taylor Swift's song I'm Feeling 22**** called I'm Feeling 32. It's hilarious. There is a line in the parody that says something like, "I think I'll call my mom. She's a really cool lady". It's pretty true of my incredibly blessed life as it is today.
By now I've almost gotten used to not going home to Greenwood. But I do fully intend to one day live in the Mississippi delta again. It's just home and as you all know "there is no place like home".
* And yes that probably dates me. My cousin asked me to go to a Hunter Hayes concert and I had to do a google search to find out who that was and if Hunter was a boy or girl. Yeah, you are only as old as you feel, right?
**It's full of some other things too but no need to discuss that.
****See, I'm hip.
***Proof there are no childhood pictures of us without the presence of PA:
Friday, August 30, 2013
Tuesday, August 27, 2013
Friday, August 16, 2013
Tuesday, August 13, 2013
So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.
Thursday, July 25, 2013
I loved Gone Girl. It is about a woman who frames her no good husband for her own murder. I must admit that it took it me until I go to about 90% through the book to feel like the wife was the bad guy. I'm going to chalk up me siding with a sociopath to my current post divorce revenge state of mind. Not that I actually want to get revenge but I do love to daydream of printing the secret Archer family mint julep recipe in the Delta Democrat (Greenville newspaper/small town where JG is from and parents still live). Did I mention that the recipe is hand written on his mother's stationary and says "welcome to the family"? Now that I am admitting this I officially can't act out this revenge. Or I guess I will be the number 1 suspect if I do this.
Wednesday, July 24, 2013
Monday, July 22, 2013
Monday, July 15, 2013
Sunday, July 14, 2013
Wednesday, July 10, 2013
Monday, July 8, 2013
Mid-June I took a trip to Nikki's cabin on Smith Lake in Alabama. A girl's weekend at it's best! And I got to use (try out) my nursing skills when Kristi twisted her ankle. Definitely not the highlight of the weekend but I did show off my palpation skills. :) I'm so glad that Nikki and her friends from Starkville let me be a part of this weekend. You know the feeling of just being yourself? That is exactly how I felt all weekend. I haven't been so relaxed in I can't even remember when!
June 28, I was honored to be a part of Katy and Dave's wedding. Katy was gorgeous. I actually teared up when I first saw her in her dress and all dolled up. The reception was fabulous. Honestly, one of the most fun weddings I have attended! I stole a few of these from facebook...
And then to round out my busy weekends, I took a trip to the Mississippi gulf coast with Mallory to visit her family for the 4th. Hamburgers, hotdogs, swimming pool, old stomping grounds, Edd's Drive In, reading not for school and the cutest little sixth month old there ever was! Plus we stopped in Magee on the way home for some gooood Mexican!
So that is what I have been up to lately. Now on to week seven of nursing school and to study for test number twelve of this summer. Bluh!
Saturday, July 6, 2013
Tuesday, July 2, 2013
Saturday, June 29, 2013
I expect too much from people. Eventually everyone lets me down. Eventually everyone gets to a point where they just don't understand me and the way I feel. There is no one who can meet my needs all the time. I have such little faith in humanity right now. Humans are so self centered. Such selfish creatures we are. It disgusts me.
I don't even know how to not be selfish. Does anyone? Probably parents. Parents have to be selfless when it comes to their children. And spouses should be selfless toward each other. But that isn't always the case. And maybe some friendships are selfless. But I don't expect to find this. Not to knock my friends. Its just that we all have our own lives and priorities and we must be selfish to one person in order to be selfless to another. Right? I don't know. I just know that my faith in men is not what it used to be. My hope for good in people is slipping through my fingers. I'm trying to grasp that childlike faith in humanity but the world has jaded me.
I was told back in the fall that I was naive to the ways of mankind. Well I guess I've been enlightened. But I still just refuse to give up all that naivety. I've just got to hold onto some kind of hope for people. That we can be more than just our sinful, fallen selves. That we can look outside of our broken bodies and learn to see Christ. To really seek Him and let Him sanctify us as we travel this journey. This journey that sometimes brings us to the point of no hope, only to remind us again and again that there is something much greater than us. There is a purpose for our lives. And that no matter how selfish we humans are and always will be, the Lord is not selfish. The Lord is selfless and loves us perfectly. He loves us the way that humans fail to love us.
John 3:16 For God so loved the world that He gave his one and only son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.
Thursday, June 27, 2013
Be Thou my Vision, O Lord of my heart;
Naught be all else to me, save that Thou art.
Thou my best Thought, by day or by night,
Waking or sleeping, Thy presence my light.
Be Thou my Wisdom, and Thou my true Word;
I ever with Thee and Thou with me, Lord;
Thou my great Father, I Thy true son;
Thou in me dwelling, and I with Thee one.
Be Thou my battle Shield, Sword for the fight;
Be Thou my Dignity, Thou my Delight;
Thou my soul’s Shelter, Thou my high Tower:
Raise Thou me heavenward, O Power of my power.
Riches I heed not, nor man’s empty praise,
Thou mine Inheritance, now and always:
Thou and Thou only, first in my heart,
High King of Heaven, my Treasure Thou art.
High King of Heaven, my victory won,
May I reach Heaven’s joys, O bright Heaven’s Sun!
Heart of my own heart, whatever befall,
Still be my Vision, O Ruler of all.
Tuesday, June 25, 2013
I realize that I have begun to wrap my happiness not in the marriage or in The Lord but I hinge the existence of being happy on never having committed the sin of the divorce. And that is not something that can be reversed. It happened. It is real. And all the "why me" and "I can't understand how this is my life" will never erase the past. Turning those thoughts over and over in my head only exacerbates my feelings of depression. How can I feel so sure of myself at times and then so totally lost at others? The facts and events of the divorce never change. That is a closed book. That part of my life is over and I can't go back in time to change that.
So here comes the positive self talk. (Oooo good therapy word.) Come on MK. You can do this. You CAN recover. You are recovering. And most likely are closer to being recovered than to the start of the process.
And maybe my heart will always break a little because of the way things played out. But maybe it won't. And even so marriage and staying married is not the reason I am here. I am here for God's glory. So I work with what I've been dealt or more so the hand I've played for myself. And I work not toward remarriage or finding someone so I won't feel alone in a world full of couples, I work toward The Lord and His glory. So rinse, lather and repeat as necessary. Keep Him in mind in all things. And remind myself of this as needed.