Saturday, June 29, 2013
I expect too much from people. Eventually everyone lets me down. Eventually everyone gets to a point where they just don't understand me and the way I feel. There is no one who can meet my needs all the time. I have such little faith in humanity right now. Humans are so self centered. Such selfish creatures we are. It disgusts me.
I don't even know how to not be selfish. Does anyone? Probably parents. Parents have to be selfless when it comes to their children. And spouses should be selfless toward each other. But that isn't always the case. And maybe some friendships are selfless. But I don't expect to find this. Not to knock my friends. Its just that we all have our own lives and priorities and we must be selfish to one person in order to be selfless to another. Right? I don't know. I just know that my faith in men is not what it used to be. My hope for good in people is slipping through my fingers. I'm trying to grasp that childlike faith in humanity but the world has jaded me.
I was told back in the fall that I was naive to the ways of mankind. Well I guess I've been enlightened. But I still just refuse to give up all that naivety. I've just got to hold onto some kind of hope for people. That we can be more than just our sinful, fallen selves. That we can look outside of our broken bodies and learn to see Christ. To really seek Him and let Him sanctify us as we travel this journey. This journey that sometimes brings us to the point of no hope, only to remind us again and again that there is something much greater than us. There is a purpose for our lives. And that no matter how selfish we humans are and always will be, the Lord is not selfish. The Lord is selfless and loves us perfectly. He loves us the way that humans fail to love us.
John 3:16 For God so loved the world that He gave his one and only son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.
Thursday, June 27, 2013
Be Thou my Vision, O Lord of my heart;
Naught be all else to me, save that Thou art.
Thou my best Thought, by day or by night,
Waking or sleeping, Thy presence my light.
Be Thou my Wisdom, and Thou my true Word;
I ever with Thee and Thou with me, Lord;
Thou my great Father, I Thy true son;
Thou in me dwelling, and I with Thee one.
Be Thou my battle Shield, Sword for the fight;
Be Thou my Dignity, Thou my Delight;
Thou my soul’s Shelter, Thou my high Tower:
Raise Thou me heavenward, O Power of my power.
Riches I heed not, nor man’s empty praise,
Thou mine Inheritance, now and always:
Thou and Thou only, first in my heart,
High King of Heaven, my Treasure Thou art.
High King of Heaven, my victory won,
May I reach Heaven’s joys, O bright Heaven’s Sun!
Heart of my own heart, whatever befall,
Still be my Vision, O Ruler of all.
Tuesday, June 25, 2013
I realize that I have begun to wrap my happiness not in the marriage or in The Lord but I hinge the existence of being happy on never having committed the sin of the divorce. And that is not something that can be reversed. It happened. It is real. And all the "why me" and "I can't understand how this is my life" will never erase the past. Turning those thoughts over and over in my head only exacerbates my feelings of depression. How can I feel so sure of myself at times and then so totally lost at others? The facts and events of the divorce never change. That is a closed book. That part of my life is over and I can't go back in time to change that.
So here comes the positive self talk. (Oooo good therapy word.) Come on MK. You can do this. You CAN recover. You are recovering. And most likely are closer to being recovered than to the start of the process.
And maybe my heart will always break a little because of the way things played out. But maybe it won't. And even so marriage and staying married is not the reason I am here. I am here for God's glory. So I work with what I've been dealt or more so the hand I've played for myself. And I work not toward remarriage or finding someone so I won't feel alone in a world full of couples, I work toward The Lord and His glory. So rinse, lather and repeat as necessary. Keep Him in mind in all things. And remind myself of this as needed.
Friday, June 21, 2013
Thursday, June 20, 2013
Sunday, June 16, 2013
The thing about my daddy that has never ceased to amaze me over the past year is his love for me. In a year that I have learned how fickle love can be, I also learned what unconditional love truly is. I learned it from my parents. Or rather I felt an unconditional love from them that cannot be explained, it can only be observed.
So this father's day I could go on and on about all the great things my dad does and how respected he is by everyone but I simply want to make it known to all that I love him more than ever because of his unconditional love for me. I can't even begin to list all the ways my dad has been present for me this past year. From packing my house, to sitting at the lawyer's office, to coming over in the middle of night because I can't stop crying, to fixing broken windows at my house, and making sure that I have money to not just eat but live comfortably, my dad has been a super hero this past year. I'm sure it wasn't his plan to ever have me move back into my parent's house but he more than willingly opened his arms to me when I needed his help. And he always told me his honest opinion this past year. When I did something stupid, he told me. My dad never stopped me from making my own decisions but always made sure I knew his opinion. And while often times his opinion differed from mine, I am a much better person because of my dad's tough love. Its that kind of love that shows me even more of how much he truly loves me. I will never be able to repay him for the way he loves me and I know I don't have to because I am his little girl.
And thus I can't help but think about my Heavenly father. Who somehow beyond what my small mind can comprehend loves me even more than my earthly father. And I while I will never fully comprehend how much God loves any of us (and why He even continues to love me), I do get a glimpse of my Heavenly father's love of me through the way my earthy father loves me.
This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers and sisters. 1 John 3:16
We love because he loved us first. 1 John 4:19
Happy father's day to earthy father! I love you
Thursday, June 13, 2013
Monday, June 10, 2013
Saturday, June 8, 2013
Friday, June 7, 2013
Sunday, June 2, 2013
This scripture was in today's service. I much enjoyed it :)
Am I not trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? I I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ. Galations 1:10