Stumping My Toe

I've been quasi-dating this guy. And while I knew I wasn't ready for a relationship, I also figured what can hurt in having fun with a nice guy (who of course I was super upfront with about not wanting/needing a relationship). Things were going well. I was having fun. So much fun that I started to think about maybe something more than just having fun. I started thinking maybe I wanted a relationship. Eeek! Yes, I am apparently crazy for thinking that less than three months after finalizing my divorce that I could possibly want a relationship. 

I started praying long before the divorce was over that God would protect my heart. My heart was so broken in my divorce. I just can't fathom being able to survive pain like that again. It's was serious pain. Like being in a full body cast during child birth with no drugs kind of pain. **  

In nursing school we learn to ask our patients to relate pain on a scale of one to ten or if the pain is similar to something else the patient has experienced. Well my pain in my recent dating debacle would be something like a stumped toe. Really minor that hurts excessively worse than the actually injury. 

For purposes of this blog I will call this guy I've been seeing, Danny. Because I want to protect the innocent and also calling him Danny makes me chuckle a little to myself. Danny might be the most gentlemanly man I've ever met. Chivalry does still exist, ladies! This guy has a stack of books in his apartment about being a gentleman. He impressed me to say the least. And when I really think about him, he posses the qualities that JG lacked in order to save our marriage. This guy is on fire for Christ. He lives with a true relationship of the heart with Christ each and everyday. This guy is so mature. He knows the value of hard work and that the best things in life are worth working for. He hasn't been handed everything so easily in this life but is able to use what he has to make his way in this world. Plus he likes Mississippi State (right to my heart) and is good at basketball. 

I honestly tried not to compare Danny and JG. I just know what qualities are most important now. The qualities I need in order to even look twice at a guy. Danny told me that I don't know what I really want. And in a way that is true. While I know the qualities (the scary list women all have) I want, I have no idea what I need right now in my life as far as dating. 

So this minor "crush/infatuation/like" that came to a hauly last night felt like stumping my toe. It hurt infinity times worse than it should have. But my heart is still raw from the divorce. And everything hurts worse right now. 

I am thankful for a God who knows best for me. A God who answers my prayer to protect my heart even though the outcome isn't what I want. I feel his presence in my pain and I am thankful. After coming home tearful last night, I jumped in bed quickly wanting the pain to subside. And I asked God "where is my joy? Where did it go?".  Immediately I felt better thinking of all He has done for me and my joy came rushing back. Because joy is not about feeling happy all the time. Joy is knowing The Lord and feeling his presence in all things. It's what keeps me going on days like today. 

"Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy" 1 Peter 1:8

**I've never actually experienced either if these pains but its the worst imaginable physical pain I can think of right now.