Every so often I get a stroke of insight into my own feelings. Last night while laying in bed I saw a picture of exactly how I've been feeling. These are the notes I jotted in phone.
I realize that I have begun to wrap my happiness not in the marriage or in The Lord but I hinge the existence of being happy on never having committed the sin of the divorce. And that is not something that can be reversed. It happened. It is real. And all the "why me" and "I can't understand how this is my life" will never erase the past. Turning those thoughts over and over in my head only exacerbates my feelings of depression. How can I feel so sure of myself at times and then so totally lost at others? The facts and events of the divorce never change. That is a closed book. That part of my life is over and I can't go back in time to change that.
So here comes the positive self talk. (Oooo good therapy word.) Come on MK. You can do this. You CAN recover. You are recovering. And most likely are closer to being recovered than to the start of the process.
And maybe my heart will always break a little because of the way things played out. But maybe it won't. And even so marriage and staying married is not the reason I am here. I am here for God's glory. So I work with what I've been dealt or more so the hand I've played for myself. And I work not toward remarriage or finding someone so I won't feel alone in a world full of couples, I work toward The Lord and His glory. So rinse, lather and repeat as necessary. Keep Him in mind in all things. And remind myself of this as needed.
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