Questions

Lately, things have been difficult for me. I've been in a depression that I just can't seem to shake. I'm struggling with moving forward. For a marriage that lasted such a short amount of time I feel like I should have moved on by now. I'm frustrated that it still hurts so bad. How can I have been doing so well and moving on with my life so smoothly only to be hit with this "set back"? There is just so much to process. I may never get finished processing my feelings.  

Lately it has been John George that I have been processing. Enough time has passed that everything of the past year seems much less dramatic than it was at the time it happened. I miss him. While I have been mad at JG at times I've never felt like I couldn't forgive him for anything that has happened. I struggle with how to feel about him. Part of me just wants to cry out to God to save our marriage. That part of me that I have been told is naive. That hopeful part of me with child like faith. If I'm really honest with myself, I do still hold out hope that JG and I will reconnect. And while I do think its never futile to pray for the reconciliation of my marriage, I know it's not necessarily the most healthy prayer for my recovery. So how can I move forward while still continuing to love JG? It's hard to even pray for his well being without getting over emotional. 

Mark 10:9 is really hitting me hard. "What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate." ESV

Just because the state of Mississippi says we aren't legally married doesn't mean I don't still feel that connection with JG. And the connection I feel is much more important than what Mississippi has to say about my marriage. My feelings of connection come from God joining us together in front of all our friends and family almost two years ago. I really meant that vow I took. I'm just not sure how to go forward with these feelings. 

I try not to think back on the mistakes that were made over the past year that led to my divorce. I definitely was the instigator in starting our troubles. I couldn't get along with JG's sisters and I took out my anger on them. It's hard not to look back and see how even tiny little things could have prevented all of this. But then again would the problems of my marriage have come along regardless?  As much as I wish I could change some things it's fruitless to think that way. And I honestly don't want to go back to being the person I was last summer. I love the "new" me. I love the way I view life now. I love my relationship with The Lord. I would never want to go back to that person I used to be. 

So what do I do now? How do I go forward? When I pray, I don't know what to pray for. I'm asking God to give me wisdom on what to do because I certainly don't have the answers.