Self Protection

This is a difficult post. Hitting the publish button will be scary. I'm admitting some terrible things I've done and its hard. But I've always been open about my marriage and the mistakes I made. I want to be real. I want to be transparent and open my hurt and sins up to my fellow believers. So that we can be transparent together. 

Sometimes I think I'd like to cut myself off from all people. Wouldn't it just be easier to live an isolated life with no real relationships? That way I would never get hurt. I'd never feel the emotional pain that comes with being with people. I've been hurt so much this past year. Pain I can't even describe. The kind of pain that makes it actually seem like a reasonable idea to shut off all my relationships. Self protection. 

I know it's not reasonable to think a person will never hurt me or let me down. That is just who we are. We let other people down. Even the people we love the most, we end up hurting. We just can't help it. And inevitably those people we love the most will also let us down. 

I let JG down. I disappointed him in such a tremendous way that he chose to shut me out of his life. He felt he had to protect himself from any further hurt from me so he ended our relationship. Unfortunately this wasn't just a friendship or a dating relationship, it was and still is a marriage. A relationship bound by God. I often wonder that just because the law no longer says we are married does God say that? I honestly don't know how to answer that question. 

I did hurt JG. I didn't get along with his family and I hurt them too. And as a result I further hurt JG. I am an emotional person. I show my emotions in big ways. Especially anger. I hurt JG with my huge emotions. Yelling and slamming doors. Throwing things. I even once slapped JG. It is one of the biggest regrets of my life. I think if I could take just one day back, that would be the day. In fact I know that day I slapped him would be the day I take back. But none of us can rewrite history. We can only go forward with an effort to have learned from our past. To have learned from the hurt others caused us and the hurt we caused others. 

So while I sometimes wish I could just cut out all my relationships and avoid ever being hurt again, I know that is impractical. And probably not even possible. I've got to look to God to heal my pain and to give me the strength to forgive others. I must realize that there are relationships I have that are worth keeping despite knowing they will one day let me down. And there are people that love me enough to continue their relationships with me even though they know I will let them down.