They (the infamous "they") say you should take one month for every year of marriage to recover. So that would mean I should have recovered sometime around May 1. In a lot of ways I do believe that I have moved forward. But my heart is still broken from the pain of divorce.
How can it possibly still hurt so much? Tonight I noticed that John George has blocked me from his Facebook. From my account it looks like he no longer exists on FB. It bothers me. How can someone that I trusted my whole life with block me out completely? And not just on FB but in everything. It just blows my mind that the person who I was once most important to can treat me this way. I just don't understand. I don't think I will ever understand. It just isn't how my mind works. I live in a state of perpetual innocence only believing the good in people.
The pain really isn't about him anymore. It's about what he represents. He is the promise I made to God that I broke. He is all of my trust and hope destroyed. He is my innocence gone. And while I know time will make my memories of him fade to almost nothing, he is a part of my life that I can never totally erase. Nor do I want to totally erase him.
And so on a night like this, when it is easy to get sad I just remind myself of the unfathomablely awesome plans that I know God has for my life and also JG's life. We are linked together forever and I'm ok with that. Not because I still long to be with him but because of the things I gained from him. From the first day JG said he wanted a divorce, I have prayed that I would not have bitterness toward him or his family. And I will say that God has been very faithful in answering that prayer.
Jeremiah 29:11
Some people may think I am naive or unrealistic but I still know there is good in him despite what has happened. There is goodness and hope in everything I do these days. I thank God for that. It is going to be a glorious future.
"Chin up." -Charlotte's Web
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