Emotions

At the time I signed the divorce papers I really did not think I had another choice.  He had been gone nearly five months and had not spoken to me in almost two.  I was tired.  More tired than I have ever felt.  I had prayed and prayed and prayed. I had asked everyone I knew to pray and pray and pray.  I made the decision on January 29 to go forward with the divorce.  I felt a peace about it, although I knew I would still have times of regret.  

There is this line in the divorce papers that really hurts.  I never even paid attention to it until the judge had signed them.  "The bonds of matrimony existing between the parties are herby dissolved and forever held for naught".  I remember picking up the signed papers from my lawyer.  I studied the divorce decree as if I had never seen it before, when in reality I had been reading it since November.  Looking at the blue stamped seal of the Hinds County Chancery Court and the judge's signature made that one line to me seem like the saddest and most tragic thing I had ever read.  It still might be. 

Enter, immense regret for signing those papers. The finalization of my divorce hurt more than anything else I had experienced. It was so final. I don't regret the divorce everyday but I still get these pangs of sadness and regret for all that JG and I lost by finalizing the divorce. It's such a strange feeling to describe. I wonder if these feelings will ever totally go away. And sometimes I fear that they will disappear entirely and I will be numb to what happened. 

I thank God for the ability to feel real emotion, to know true pain and true joy at the same time. 

"Consider is pure joy my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds" James 1:2

"And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28