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I become myself.  Who am I? What do I believe?  I believe in biblical marriage.  I believe that this divorce is not biblical.  I lie in the floor every night pounding my fists in anger that this is happening to a faithful servant of the Lord. I cry out over and over for God to save my marriage. 

My parents ask me to give up hope.  My therapist says I’m basically praying for an amputated limb to grow back.  My friends say they will pray but don’t understand why I still want to pray for support of my marriage.  Further questions arise as to what I believe if so many trusted confidants have given up on my marriage.  Why? Why am I the only one to hang on?  Where is the Lord in all of this?  Where is my hope?

I meet with my dad at Peppers of all places.  My college favorite restaurant.  I eat my usual chef salad and coke.  I remember everything.  My dad pleads for me to give in and get the divorce over.  I tell him my reasoning.

I read a book once about how God creates certain people for each other.  What if God created me for JG because He knew I would be stubborn enough to hold out on divorce in our hard times?  My family has called me stubborn all my life.  What if that stubbornness was God’s design for my life? For my marriage?

What about that retreat my parents took us to in North Carolina when I was in middle school.  There was the cutest little girl sitting in front of us.  My mom and I talked about how precious the child was.  And then her father speaks about his wife’s pregnancy with that little girl.  The prognosis was bleak.  The recommendation was abortion. The family prayed when everyone else said to abort.  Up until delivery the child was not expected to live.  The child was born perfect, healthy, and beautiful.  Prayer was there.  Prayer made a difference.

So prayer can make a difference with my marriage.  I will pray it back to a state of reconciliation. I will.  I have to.  This cannot happen to me.  Of everyone I know, I am the least likely person I know to get a divorce.  I have to pray.  God will change JG’s mind and heart.  He has to.  I’m praying.  I’ve done everything right.  How can this happen to me?  I can’t live with a divorce.

And so I pray. And pray.