8

5/15/13 (from the notes in my phone)

Intimidation 

I was always intimidated by my mother and sisters in laws. JG is ten and seven years the junior to his sisters. He is the family's beloved baby boy. He was very doted on and for good reasons. I think the most intimidating thing for me was cooking. The women and men in jgs family are all amazing cooks. When we were dating JG would frequently eat at Ellen's house. And I always enjoyed listening to how awesome the meal was. For a girl who grew up on frozen lasagna, anyone who makes anything from scratch is someone I can admire. I've always wanted to be a good cook. And once I met JG the Archer women were the standard to achieve. I suffer from lots if insecurity when it comes to cooking. In my mind I had to be as good a cook as these women had been cooking for at least a decade longer than me. And when I didn't feel like I met that standard I was hard on myself. I think it caused a lot of resentment toward his family, especially Ellen.  She and JG have a special bond. He admires her. And in my eyes that was intimidating. 

I'm trying to read through the Bible in chronological order this year. I'm about 15 days behind though. Not too bad considering we are in the fifth month of this year. I've been reding through 1 Samuel and I came across a verse earlier this week that I cannot get out of my head. 

"So from that time on Saul kept a jealous eye on David." 1 Samuel 18:9

Saul was so consumed with jealousy toward David for reasons beyond his control. Saul couldn't stand that Jonathan loved david so much. It was Saul's own insecurities and jealousies that ultimately led to his downfall.  I want to learn from my mistakes.  And it's a painful pill to swallow when I admit my insecurities and jealousies. I can already hear those closest to me saying that I don't need to be blaming only myself and not JG. And that's not what I'm doing. But JG is his own person now and he will have to deal with his faults just as I am doing with mine now.  I'm thankful that I can recognize my sins and learn from them. I am thankful for a God who's words are so relatable to my own life. Even now I can hear Him telling me that He is taking care of me. And once again I am amazed at the way God continues to nourish me.