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April 29, 2013 (from my journal)

I don't trust my own thoughts. I don't know what my true motivation is behind my thoughts and feelings. Am I truly convicted by my faith or by my loneliness? How can I continue on when I don't even know my own intentions behind the things I say and do? What have been my motivations all along? Was I just praying for a miracle because I am selfish and don't want to be alone? Or was I really wanting a miracle to glorify God through our marriage?  Well, I certainly did not bring God any glory through my marriage. What a failure I was in my marriage.  Do I really work to glorify God now or are all my actions out of my own selfish desires? How can I trust myself? Better yet how to do I ever trust anyone else? I know that I want to glorify God. That is true. But I also don't want to be single. Can I be both selfless and selfish with one action? Do the two cancel each other out? I know what I want. That is to bring glory to God through my life. But I don't know how to behave with truly pure intentions. Is it possible for there ever to be totally pure actions and thoughts? 

I wonder how JG is? What he is doing? Where is he? And does he still feel pain from this divorce? Does he ever feel regret about the way things turned out? Does he ever think of reconciliation? My heart is broken so badly there aren't any pieces left, just dust. There has been too much pain. The pieces continued to shatter until they became so small there is only dust left. It's painful having your heart ground into dust. Even when your heart is broken into a million pieces, there are still bits that can be put back together. Dust is impossible to put back together. All that can be done with it is make a pile. Like an ant pile. Easily trampled. Always trying to construct it and always being destroyed.